- Official website of comedian Todd Barry

Todd says a lot of amazing and fascinating things. A LOT. This page will feature some of the most amazing and fascinating things he’s ever said. Sure, you can use these quotes to annihilate people at cocktail parties, but why not do something more positive? Use them as part of your email signature!

That guy who manages the vegetarian restaurant got a pretty severe haircut.
    — Todd Barry, on the vegetarian restaurant manager’s new haircut.

I thought I left my wallet at that Pan-Asian restaurant, but I didn’t.
    — Todd Barry, on where he thought he left his wallet

I didn’t know Sheryl Crow had a son.
    — Todd Barry, on finding out that Sheryl Crow had a son.

They did a nice job renovating that Thai place.
    — Todd Barry, on the job they did renovating that Thai place.

My dandruff shampoo is made in Israel.
    — Todd Barry, on the country where his dandruff shampoo is made.

My gastroenterologist is pretty easy to talk to.
    — Todd Barry, on how easy it is to talk to his gastroenterologist

It’s probably best to buy name brand razor blades.
    — Todd Barry, on buying razor blades

My gut tells me that Katie Couric wears nice perfume.
    — Todd Barry, on his gut instinct about the quality of Katie Couric’s perfume.

The grocery store near my house closes at 8:25.
    — Todd Barry, on the hours of the grocery store near his house

That lint trap really needed cleaning.
    — Todd Barry, on a lint trap he recently cleaned.

I’m glad there’s a guy in front of my building playing the trumpet.
    — Todd Barry, on how he feels about a guy standing in front of his building playing the trumpet

I left a shirt in my hotel room in San Diego, but they were really nice about sending it back.
    — Todd Barry, on leaving his shirt in a hotel room then getting it back.

I was thinking about buying a new paper shredder.
    — Todd Barry, on the possibility of buying a new paper shredder

I don’t know if smoothies are good for you.
    — Todd Barry, on the nutritional value of smoothies

I haven’t seen Kenneth Branagh in a movie lately.
    — Todd Barry, on not seeing Kenneth Branagh in a movie lately

The air freshener they use in the Oakland airport mens room smells really good.
    — Todd Barry, on the air freshener at the Oakland Airport mens room

“I have a podiatrist appointment at 2.”
    — Todd Barry, on the time of his podiatrist appointment

“I like Cilantro, but you don’t have to.”
    — Todd Barry, on his tolerant view of cilantro

“Im not sure why I bought a rice cooker.”
    — Todd Barry, on his purchase of a rice cooker

“Norah Jones is really pretty.”
    — Todd Barry, on singer Norah Jones

“That place used to have a really good Caesar salad. Then they changed the dressing.”
    — Todd Barry, on the Caesar salad at a neighborhood restaurant

“This fax machine is kind of shitty.”
    — Todd Barry, on his new fax machine